Changing my Sense of Self: a Premeditated Self Reflection

Coming back to my second year at university feels enormously different. It had taken me my first year to orient myself into this strange new environment where the intimacies of high school were lost amongst the enormity of this campus. Everyone and everything was an ever-increasing mass of one another – myself included. I found myself one of thousands of small droplets in an ocean that desperately needed some sorts of filtration to overcome this sudden loss of individuality. I was containing myself into what I can now describe as ‘a one dimensional person’ – someone with the vision of a singular path running through the same monocyclic, daily routines without really achieving anything. Simply, going forwards.

Something changed over the summer and I wasn’t quite sure what spurred these different mentalities until two days ago, when I spoke to a fourth year nursing student about what she wanted to pursue post undergrad. She was plainly passionate about her future and told me that she wanted to become a nurse to make a difference in peoples’ lives and help the world become a better place. It sounded extremely typical and terribly clichéd until I began recognizing my inexplicable newfound mentality and myself: I was approaching this year differently because I was motivated in creating myself and making something of ‘me.’

This was the beginning of my ‘multi dimensional person’. There are so many more aspects of my life to actively engage with and participate in. I’m noticing and appreciating this fresh sense of self-drive and determination, shaping myself and molding my being into a multi faceted person – taking forms in writing new content for this blog, creating visual inspiration for McGill’s art magazine, engaging with different people for my sorority, and so on. Though sometimes the process is tedious, and slowly my shoulders are already aching with hunching and highlighting, these forms are defining, encouraging, and creating greater depths for myself.

It’s refreshing to be able to say ‘I’m busy,’ because it means that I’m engaging in my purpose and ambition. I’m experiencing exceptional levels of gratitude and excitement that have taken over my motivations and perseverance in the newness of everything this year – being mindful in where I’m investing my energy and passions are creating currents of clarity in constructing more paths for my future.

There are also moments of panic or senses of overwhelm. Yesterday, my friend had confessed that she ‘thrived under stresses and pressures.’ Initially, this sounded strange. Though I couldn’t help but also agree because, taken positively and healthily, keeping myself busy is leading me into thriving environments where I’m actively engaging in many more means of use that, ultimately, always overrides any feelings of the conventionally bleakness to committing to any forms of work. I realize now that may sound confusing or complicated, but I’m not quite sure how to articulate this ‘new me’ yet. [Perhaps to be further explored later on].

On that note, I’ve decided to end my posts with single quotes from literature readings that have inspired me and changed any sorts of my thinking. Thank you for being patient with my somewhat revelations for this month, and I’m hoping that maybe it can inspire and relate to some of you – until next time!

Whatever satisfies the soul is truth.” – Walt Whitman, ‘Preface to Leaves of Grass’ (1855)

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