False Positives, False Hope

Matt and Gabumon stuck in a cave made by Matt's negative thoughts. (From Digimon: Digital Monsters, S01E52) I wish I had a Digimon, too in times like these!"

Matt and Gabumon stuck in a cave made by Matt’s negative thoughts. (From Digimon: Digital Monsters, S01E52) I wish I had a Digimon, too in times like these!”

I haven’t written in a long time because I’ve been swimming in what I’d like to call “Grad School Limbo” or the grey area where you don’t really know where you are and it’s getting difficult to navigate. My primary source of unhappiness has been stemming from the fact that my projects are just not working out. But maybe not exactly…

I’ve always been a perfectionist and found it very difficult to accept failure. I’ve almost always blamed myself, scrutinized my abilities and concluded my own incompetency when things didn’t work out. The simple truth about science is that, well, things hardly ever do work out and it’s nobody’s fault. Despite having been told this before and even reading about it in the context of biographies of all the great scientists in history, it somehow didn’t sit with me. I still believed that anything I can touch will magically be set to work by some mysterious force of hope and light. If you think that’s naive, you are definitely right. So for the past few months, I’ve been in grey limbo of low self-esteem, hopelessness and lots of anger against the fates that set me up with my project!

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